CUBICLE, PART IV. THE BIG CONTEST

(Chad enters followed by Amos and Butch, they cross stage-right.)

CHAD
All right everybody, sit down, shut up! I’ve been sent here to kick some sense into your individual and collective hinders, and I’m not afraid to do it! I’m a hard ass! That is a medical condition, and why you won’t see me sitting.

AMOS
Who are you? What’s your name?

CHAD
What’s my name? My pinkie ring cost more than your kidneys, that’s my name. You drove a Mercury Topaz to work today, I flew a solid gold helicopter, underwater, with my eyes closed to get here, that’s my name! Scooby Merced, that’s my porn star name! Also, my name is Chad.

AMOS
Wait, what body of water did you fly your helicopter under to get here?

CHAD
What do you care, princess?

BUTCH
Hey! (To Amos.) Since when are you a princess?


CHAD
Let’s focus, people! As you know, there is a big potential merger coming up with Nappoff, the biggest corporation in the Japanese hemisphere. And each of you is in charge of a Big Presentation which could make or break this merger. I don’t have to tell you the kind of stress this puts on the bigwigs.

AMOS
Can you tell us, anyway?

CHAD
Are you familiar with Atlas, the titular character of the Ayn Rand novel Atlas Shrugged?

AMOS
Sure.

CHAD
Imagine being forced to read that book.

BUTCH
Talk about stress!

CHAD
I am, dammit! Gentlemen, I don’t have to tell you how important this Big Presentation is. Incorpoco has entrusted you two with its future, and the success of this merger lies solely on the efforts of you two. Because of the unusually high importance of this undertaking, Amy CEO has advised that you two will be working independently on two separate presentations, both of which will be judged by the bigwigs and the Japanese alike. And to make this more of a competition, there will be awards for best and for worst presentations.

AMOS
They’ll be awarding the worst presenter?

CHAD
They are an equal opportunity employer.

BUTCH
What will we win?

CHAD
It’s very simple. First prize wins CEO title, and Incorpoco. Anybody wanna see the second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Fourth prize is a TV/VCR combo. Fifth prize is we set your house on fire. Sixth prize is a year’s subscription to Rolling Stone. There is no Seventh Prize. Eighth prize is we murder your dog.

AMOS
What if we don’t have a dog?

CHAD
We give you a dog and then we murder it. When you least expect it.

BUTCH
They’ve thought of everything.

AMOS
Except a Seventh prize.

CHAD
Now keep in mind we are expecting the absolute best you have to offer we will accept nothing less than perfection. Let this be your crowning achievement, men! Let this be your Climbing of Mount Everest, your Moon Landing, your High Noon at Mega Mountain. This will be the most important event of your life. If you get this right, your parents will love you for real, your dreams will come true, and if you’re lucky, Amy CEO will personally pat you on the back. If you screw this up, it’ll be curtains, and I don’t mean drapes!

AMOS
Where have I heard that before?

CHAD
Now gentlemen, I’m afraid have to go, my helicopter is doubled-parked in front of a tiger shark. But I hope I’ve imparted some sense of the extreme importance of this Big Presentation. This could make you, or it could break you, but ain’t gonna fake you. Good day.

(Chad exits.)

BUTCH
Good luck, Newbie. I hope you’re flame-retardant, cuz you’re gonna crash and burn!

AMOS
Not if I have anything to say about it! You’re going down, Butch!

BUTCH
Not if I have anything to say about it! You’re such a team player; let’s see how you work on a team of zero- you being the zero!

(Butch exits, cackling.)

AMOS
Pah! Who needs teamwork, anyway?