Hey kids! Do you want an excitingly lethal start to your morning? Hey Moms and Dads! Do you want a nutritious, mouth-moistening breakfast without the backbreaking cantaloupe labor, bacon stains and unsettling egg yolk? Hey Single Thirty-Something’s! Do you eat food in the morning? Introducing: TIGER-O’S! A brand-new cereal treat from the makers of the Bengal and Siberian Tiger!
TIGER-O’S are Hip! TIGER-O’S are In! TIGER-O’S are Stylistic! It is the Official Breakfast Cereal! It contains tigers, tiger meat and tiger organs, all artificially tiger-flavored. Yes, real tiger meat, real tiger organs and real, live tigers flavored to taste like processed, artificial tiger! It’s Meta (kind of), for you on-the-go American morning food consumers. TIGER-O’S aren’t just part of your balanced breakfast; they’ll eat that balanced breakfast for their breakfast, because TIGER-O’S are oftentimes just boxes containing a real, live tiger! No more bran flakes, no more raisins, no more shitty, shitty marshmallows. Just tiger, our promise and our guarantee. And for you coffee fans, drink coffee with your TIGER-O’S! Kill two birds with one stone, we won’t tell anyone, pinky-swear!
TIGER-O’S contain all kinds of nutrients and stuff like: Vitamins A-X, beta, carotene, beta carotene, proteins, fibers, niacin, retsin, lentils, beeswax, tiger, tiger, tiger, tiger, tiger and more tiger! You have cow for dinner, don’t you? You have pig for lunch, am I right? Have tiger for breakfast, won’t you now? Add Tiger Milk to your TIGER-O’S for some snap, crackle and grrrrrr! Eat TIGER-O’S with our new Tiger Spoon- made from tiger- then you can eat the spoon!* Once you’ve grown tired of TIGER-O’S, try our new hot cereal, TIGER-OATMEAL, a bowl of oatmeal with a surprise inside- a living tiger’s head! And it comes with an additional surprise- cinnamon! Guaranteed! Get some Tiger into you today, and let him (or her!) out all day. By growling, prowling, spooning, mooning, pooting, scoring, goring, loving, molting and the occasional anguished crying. But most of all have fun. And eat up! Because they’re MM-MM-Yummy, the Breakfast of Championships, The Choice of the You Generation, Ten Million Strong- And Diminishing.TIGER-O'S TIGER-O'S TIGER-O'S!!!
*Tiger Spoon not made of tiger and inedible. Tiger-O’s is not responsible for your misinterpretation of our blatant lie. So there!
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