SIX PLUS TWO EASY STEPS TO CONQUERING PUBLIC SPEAKING FEAR

1. Try surprising your audience with an unusual speaking style. Perhaps removing all punctuation, adding unnecessary punctuation, or ending each sentence with a home-spun colloquialism such as, “Heebie-Jeebies,” “Jesus Wept,” or “Jammin’ On The One!”

2. Give your audience a nickname so they seem more familiar, something like, The Crowd, Da Boyeez, or Los Subordinate Mofos. Give them a common back story, like they all survived a plane crash, or they’re all conspiring to murder you.

3. Do not be self-conscious, but seriously, speak up! And tuck in your shirt; this isn’t a Third Grade Recital. This is the Big Leagues, The Show, The Shmoopy, The Parent’s Table, The Adult G.I. Joes. You cock this up it could be curtains, and I don’t mean drapes! So stop being self-conscious.

4. Imagine everyone in the audience in their underwear. Now you can feel confident no one is paying attention to you, as they’ll be transfixed by your enormous erection.

5. Open with a joke, especially a knock-knock joke, as it involves the audience. However, if your audience consists of homeless people, avoid the knock-knock joke, as it just reminds them they are homeless. Tell a racist joke instead. Or just get them drunk.

6. If you feel as if you’re going to faint, make sure your knees aren’t locked. Do five or six deep knee-bends to get the circulation going. It can also help to put your head betwixt your knees, or betwixt the knees of the nearest audience member. Take deep, noisy, phlegmatic inhalations and exhale profoundly, swooning as if the Pope gave you his Promise Ring. Most importantly, Do Not stop speaking while doing this. Most people will think it’s part of the presentation, and the rest won’t be paying attention anyway.

7. Be succinct, don’t suck ink. I’m not sure what that means yet, but I’m sure it’s wise.

8. Above all, remember that public speaking is nothing to fear. Your peers will have already judged you before you open your mouth, and nothing you say or do is going to change their opinion. So have fun! Or just get drunk.