Whenever a memorial or monument is desecrated, theftorated or otherwise endangered, you can rely on four fine friendly fellows to make that wrong arighted. Washington! Jefferson! Lincoln! Roosevelt! From their secret hideout somewhere in South Dakota, they keep a watchful eye on their beloved country, ready to spring into action when least expected and most needed, or vice versa. They are: The Rushmore Four!
(R4 HQ. Roosevelt is cleaning his muskets, Lincoln is doing a crossword, Jefferson is rocking out in his oversized headphones, and Washington is writing in his blog.)
Washington: Washington’s Post, May the Fifth, Two Thousand and Nine, AD. There has been little activity as of late- too little. Our last adventure was almost two months ago, when the gravestone of President Garfield was replaced by a cookie jar emblazoned with an obese cat and the epitaph, “I Hate Mondays.” Though James did prefer his weekends, we felt this wasn’t a fitting tribute for such a 20th President, and had it replaced forthwith. But not only had we not solved the mystery of whodundat, we hadn't seen nor heard of anything curious since. My Georgie senses are tingling, however, which means something is brewing upon the horizon. Also, it means that I skipped lunch.
(A loud beeping! An alarm!)
Lincoln: Great Caesar's Snowpants!
Roosevelt: Bully!
Jefferson: Daaaaamn, yo!
Washington: I knew it! A case! Rushmorers, rushsemble!
Jefferson: Dude, s'aight, we right here, yo.
Lincoln: Yes, George, don't get your dander in a bunch. It's probably nothing. Shoplifter at the Truman Library or some such thingy.
Roosevelt: Bully.
Washington: Nevertheless, it may be a serious situation. It's been quiet too long, boys.
Lincoln: Great Caesar's Skinned Knee! The Statue of Liberty, it's-
Roosevelt: Bully?
Lincoln: It's gone!
Roosevelt: Bully!
Jefferson: Ah, hell nizzo!
Washington: He's right. There's no trace of her anywhere. It's almost as if she... walked away.
Jefferson: You mean swam, homie. Snap to the dap!
Roosevelt: Bully!
Lincoln: Obviously, she didn't walk or swim away. She's been stolen. But by who, or what?
Washington: Or who? Abe, Tommy, Ted-Ted, to the Rushmorebile!
Jefferson: Yup yup!
Roosevelt: Bully!
(They run to the Rushmorebile, a flying van with propellered wings. Roosevelt carries a musket, Washington a sword, Lincoln a railsplitter, and Jefferson a boombox. The van zooms out a secret doorway in Lincoln's nose at Mt. Rushmore. Inside the van, Lincoln is driving, Washington looking through a periscope, Roosevelt has his musket placed out a window ready to take aim and fire, and Jefferson is at the computers.)
Washington: Coming up on Liberty Statue Island, still no signs of any activity. Aside from the missing statue.
Jefferson: Yee-ah and nuthin' on the radar, yo!
Roosevelt: Bully!
Lincoln: Well said.
Washington: Gentlemen, I'm at a loss. This is a complete conundrum. Completely! What could have possibly could have happened? What?
Lincoln: I'm just as stymied as- Great Caesar Sweetback's Badass Song!
(The van is rocking, yet there is also a knocking! It's the Statue of Liberty, kicking the flying van with her large feet!)
Roosevelt: Bully!
Lincoln: Isn't she just?
Jefferson: Fat shit, yo!
Washington: Battle stations! But be careful, we don't want to harm Lady Liberty.
(The four Presidents leap out of the van, and combine into each other to form a giant robot in the shape of a Rushmore-style totem pole, with Washington's head at the top and Lincoln's feet at the bottom, Roosevelt's arms and torso in the middle. Also, Jefferson's in there too! They fight and hit and kick and argue until Lady Liberty is knocked down. The Presidentbot land on Liberty Statue Island and disassembles back into the foursome. From the crown of the statue appears Benjamin Franklin.)
R4: Benjamin Franklin!
Franklin: I admit it, I've been behind it all!
Washington: But why?
Roosevelt: Bully!
Lincoln: Great Caesar's Caesar!
Jefferson: The fuck, dude?
Franklin: You all think you're the tits, politically speaking, because you've held the highest office in the country! But you never think of old Ben Franklin, do you? No, you never ever do. But the world will have the last laugh-on you- because of me! Ha! Ha!
(He removes a kite with a key tied around the string and flies away in bifocals, thinking of stoves.)
Washington: We haven't seen the last of him. Ben Franklin will continue to wreak havoc on our country's most precious memorials. But he won't beat us! We are the Rushmore Four! Unbeatable! Unstoppable! And very old!
R4: Rushmore Four!
The End!
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