RETITLING MOVIES FOR A NEW WORLD!

Some movies are timeless, in that they never seem old or dated. Some movies are timeless in that they never FREAKING END! Conversely, some movies are timely, in that they capture the essence of a specific time and place perfectly, like an old photograph or an outrageous foreign accent. I bring up these types of movies because I do not wish to cover them. No, today I will be discussing dated films that need a serious injection of timeliness stat. These are films that time has forgotten to remember, because they are so deeply entrenched in the past, you would need an entrenching tool to dig up interest for them (note to self: this is the most clever sentence I have ever written. Make sure to proclaim this fact.) Updating them for a What, Me Love the 80’s? generation can and will and is going to be an arduous task, but I am up for the challenge. Or at least part of it.
I have randomly chosen five films that fit my criteria of being suckily dated, and have begun the long, hard, cylindrical process of retooling them for the New Age. The first step is always the title. To that end, I have retitled these movies to make them timelier, more interesting, more good. I have without a doubt succeeded. Need proof? See below.
GRAND CANYON should be renamed THE ARIZONA HOLE. Only pretentio-tards and Anglo-Saxons call it the Grand Canyon anymore. No one will know what your movie is about, and this movie is only about the Arizona Hole (formerly the Grand Canyon.)
CHARADE should be renamed TV TAG. Kids hate playing charades, but they love Cary Grant, Walter Matthau and, to a lesser extent, Audrey Hepburn. The only explanation for this movie’s lack of popularity is that dated, Yuppie-centric name. And the kids, they hate the Yuppies and their posh, spicy games. And since TV Tag is the best kid’s game ever, you’d be raking in the belated dollars.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR PARENTS WERE WEIRD should be renamed GHOST DAD, ROBOT DAD. This would be the best movie ever made.
BIRTH OF A NATION should be renamed KKK AOK and should not be re-released at all.
Finally, MY LEFT FOOT should be renamed ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS THE USE OF THE REST OF MY BODY, and be reset as a charming Christmas flick with Peter Billingsley, Katie Holmes and the late James Stewart. Jimmy Stewart would play an angel (typecasting!) who helps poor Peter Billingsley overcome the tragic loss of any feeling in his body aside from his left foot, and Katie Holmes teaches him to love again and to also be afraid of her freakish smile.