DRUG SAFETYNESS!

Drugs is bad. But not as bad as grammar can have been. Irregardless, the first sentiment still stands. The one about drugs. Yet, despite this cold, hard, cylindrical fact, drugs are exceedingly popular. Everyone and their father are doing them! Conclusion: you must do drugs. Otherwise, you will be cast out of society like Andre 3000. However, since drugs indeed are dangerous, it is important to proceed with caution when consuming, purchasing, even referring to them! Be careful! You could die! Do not abuse or overuse drugs like exclamation points! But don’t freak out, li’l Joey Christmas. Just follow these four simple rules of Drug Safetyness, and you will be considered cool by everyone and their fathers.
1. Everything in moderation! Drugs can sometimes be (and always are) highly addictive, so be careful out there. Limit yourself to 75 tokes/150 pills/96,000 injections a day and a sensible meal for dinner, and you should be well on your way to Executive Druggie status. As the Eagles famously sang, “In a New York minute, oo-oo-oooooh!”
2. Know your lingo! Only doctors and squares call drugs by their scientific (or slave) names, so whenst perusing your local pusher’s, ask for your poison of choice by its real name. These can include pot, coke, crack, crank, krunk, crinkle, crakes, doobies, spleefs, reefers, pleefers, horses, DeForrest Kellys, plankton, e, z, x, jay, ray, walston, acid, magic bus, and/or party poppers. Bet you can’t eat just one!
3. Avoid the fuzz! Everybody hates a buzzkill, and cops are the most notorious buzzkillers: they have a gun! So don’t befriend or marry or siblingize any Johnny Laws, and keep that thin blue line intact.
4. Above all, have fun! Drug abuse is about good times, inappropriate laughter and the sweet sweet sweeeeeeet sweet high. Just relax, turn on, drop in, fall out, and skip to you and your father’s lou. As the Eagles famously sang, “Hey hey we’re the Eagles, and people say we eagle around.”