(Terry is the host of Night Talk, a late night Charlie Rose-esque talk show. Ike is his guest.)
Terry: Good late, late evening and welcome to Night Talk, the latest talk show on your television. My guest this late, late evening is an author, a lecturer, a raconteur, and bespectacled. Have I left anything out?
Ike: Circumcised?
Terry: Ah, sorry about that.
Ike: No problem, it’s no skin off my back!
(Ike laughs uproariously at this, Terry stares gravely at him.)
Terry: You’ve written several books, essays, pamphlets and bumper stickers. Your latest work is an autobiographical autobiography entitled, “See Me, Wouldn’t Want to Be Me: How Backwards Reflection Led To Forward Thinking.” Tell us a bit about your life and hardscrabble tiles, I mean times.
Ike: I have led what you might call an awful, or suckwad life. Orphaned at the age of 40, forced to subsist on substandard oxygen when I was roommates with a cougher in college, survivor of the Holocaust… museum fire…drill of 1988, I’ve battled rare diseases like Unistache, my mustache was an unbroken strip of hair below my nose, and this weird rash I keep getting if I sleep on this arm. But it’s not all tears and fears; I’ve led a full life, too. Just one example, I was a roadie for the Temptations, way back in the day, when it was just four guys named for the four deadly temptations: chocolate, heroin, greeditude and butt sex.
Terry: They have called you a misunderstood genius. They also say you’re an understood moron. They also claim you are brilliant, a charlatan, a hack, a smacker, classy, broad-shouldered, blonde, dirty blonde, strawberry blonde, bottle blonde, a cheapskate, a handsome devil, a loose cannon, a sissy Muppet, and a retarded Jerry Lewis. How do you respond to these allegations?
Ike: Who are they?
Terry: They is the plural of me.
Ike: You? Why would you call me these hurtful things? Loose cannon? Strawberry blonde? I thought you were my friend, my pal, my buddy, my compadre, my platonic Jerry Lewis.
Terry: As a talk show host, it’s my job to give you that impression of our relationship, but it’s all untrue.
Ike: I… had no idea…
Terry: That was the point. But we’re getting off-topic. You’ve written a good number of self-help and philosophical tomes. What exactly drew you to that genre?
Ike: Yes, I dabbled in inspirational literature. I adapted The Purpose-Driven Life into a Choose Your Own Adventure, which was very popular. I just sometimes feel as though it’s important to nurture positivity, to encourage passion and drive in people who are looking for a little direction. You know, to teach, to preach, to speech, to breach.
Terry: And why’s that?
Ike: Fuck you, that’s why! I don’t need to explain myself to you!
Terry: And is this an example of your teaching, preaching or breaching?
Ike: I baked you a birthday cake! I wrote you into my will! I got us matching ATVs so we could be like those fat twins from the Guinness Book of World Records!
Terry: What can I say; it’s the nature of the biz. Just be professional.
Ike: I just feel so violated.
Terry: Let’s just get through the interview and we can discuss it later.
Ike: I’ll try.
Terry: Sigmund Freud once said, “Revenge is a dish best served to mother.” Let me ask you, do you believe he said that?
Ike: I don’t- no!
Terry: Let me rephrase the question: do you believe he said that?
Ike: You didn’t rephrase the question.
Terry: Let me rephrase your answer: yes.
Ike: That’s not what I said! That’s libel.
Terry: Libel?
Ike: Libel!
Terry: That’s not libel! You’re libel! You’re libel to get smacked upside the ugly face!
Ike: (Rising)Yeah?
Terry: (Rising) Yeah!
Ike: Yeah?
Terry: Yeah!
(They stare each other down.)
Terry: I’m afraid we’ve run out of time.
Ike: Yeah. Me too.
Too Tall: Join me next week when my guest will be Lewellyn Lewdegeneres, author of Seven Novels, Six of Them Best-Sellers: My Quest to Write Six Best-Selling Novels. Until then, goodnight.
Ike: Bye.
(Ike begins to leave.)
Terry: Wait!
Ike: No. It’s too late.
(Ike exits, Terry is despondent and regretful, heartbreakingly hilarious! End scene.)
