OTT: A COMEDY OF ANGER PART II: THE AGONY OF THE BEAT!

ANNOUNCER: Here we go into Round Two! Let's see what shapes up. 

Ken and Kim lock hands again. 

KEN: Give up, Kim. You've made me angry, and you know what I'm like when I'm angry. I'm like a runaway train, fueled with rage. Or a charging bull, with goring on the brain. Or a ticking time bomb, except instead of minutes, there's... meanness! 

KIM: I'm not afraid of you. I've beaten children scarier than you. And kittens! It's you who should be afraid of me. I'm so mean, I beat children! And kittens! 

KEN: And what do you do for an encore, set fire to a pack of nuns? 

KIM: You know what the Old Man said about setting fire to nuns. 

OLD MAN: Never set fire to nuns. 

KIM: Your tactic isn't working, you know. It didn't work then and it won't work now. 

KEN: Yeah, like I need tactics to defeat you. You think I know what you're talking about? Well, I don't. Take that! 

KIM: You don't remember how when we were kids, we used to fight over the Old Man. You used to say he loved you more, even though you knew it was a lie! 

KEN: It was not a lie! Besides, you know what the Old Man used to say about remembering things. 

OLD MAN: Nostalgia's for sissies! (Fondly.) My ma used to say that. 

Bell rings.

ANNOUNCER: It looks like we're still deadlocked at the close of Round Two, in a match where not much appears to be happening, but it's not boring, not in the slightest! In fact, it's much more exciting than a fight full of action, close calls and shocks because the stillness is just so intense. Still, if the opponents want to ever end this champeenship, preferably tonight, they may want to actually put some muscle into it and really truly, you know, fight. But hey, that's just my opinion, and if you think the people want to just watch you holding hands and yelling at each other a lot, who am I to judge? 

Bell rings. 

ANNOUNCER: Oh boy! Round Three, the so-called "final round" is about to begin, maybe we'll finally see some what-do-you-call-it, action. I don't know, maybe Kim will move her arm an inch, wouldn't that be a novelty! Maybe next week we can skip the big events and just show paint drying- beige paint! I... (Clears throat.) Yes, sorry, very sorry. Round Three, folks, and what surprises will be in store this round- this final round! Who will win? Who will lose? We shall soon see. 

Ken and Kim lock arms once more. 

KEN: You're wrong, you know. I was always the Old Man's favorite. You know how I know? He told me himself, take that! He took me fishing when you weren't looking and while we were out on the lake, he confessed I'd always been better than you. I remember exactly what he said to me. 

OLD MAN: Son, yer old enough to know yer my favorite son. There ain't no other son in the world I can think of better than you, none I met yet anyway. You'd be the son I never had, had I never had you. Far as male offspring I created, yer the tops. A-number one, Ken, and don't you forget. And one more thing: never ever tell no one about this. This never happened, we never conversated on this. Get me? 

KEN: Oops. 

KIM: (Laughing.) Oh, it is to laugh. The Old Man really gave you a Grade-A leg-pulling. You think you were the favored child? You best think again. Once, when you were tying your shoes, the Old Man and I snuck up to Duluth for some ice cream, and it was there he revealed who truly meant the most to him. I remember it as if it were about to be repeated verbatim. 

OLD MAN: Kim, I'd be lyin' if I said I had a daughter I had more love and respect for. I'd challenge you to find a girl I fathered I'd choose over you, but I ain't into time wastin'. It's why I don't do crosswords or watch the news or yield to oncoming traffic. There's no point to it! There is a point to this, and that's to say yer my favorite daughter in the history of this country. But you have to keep this under yer hat, hear? 

KIM: See? Who's the favorite now? 

KEN: It's not true! Take it back! 

KIM: You take it back! 

They really begin struggling now. Ken seems to be winning at first, but then Kim comes out of nowhere to a strong lead. All the while, the Old Man is jumping up and down with excitement. 

OLD MAN: That's it! You got 'em! Make yer Old Man proud! 

KEN: You bet I will! 

KIM: He's talking to me, loser! 

KEN: No, he's not! Take that! 

OLD MAN: Remember which of you is my favorite. 

KEN & KIM: (Unison.) Me! 

OLD MAN: That's right. 

The struggling stops. Ken and Kim look at the Old Man. 

KIM: Wait. Which one are you talking to? 

OLD MAN: You heard me. My favorite. 

KEN: Which one is that? 

OLD MAN: You know... the one I told. 

KIM: But you told us both. 

KEN: Yeah. Hey, yeah! What is this? 

OLD MAN: All right, you got me. But look where it got you. Yer gonna be champeens! You see, in the end, you were both my favorite, but I couldn't let you know, or you wouldn't be the winners you are today. Yer Old Man was teaching you a lifelong lesson, and as a bonus it lasted into the afterlife. In a way, yer both winners. 

Ken knocks down Kim's arm. 

KEN: But in another way, I win! Take that! Ha ha! I am the champeen! 

KIM: No fair! The Old Man distracted me. 

Bell rings. 

ANNOUNCER: Sweet Joey Christmas, folks, it looks like we finally have a winner! Coming out of nowhere with a lightning move, it's Ken Ott! He's the champeen- the arm-wrestling champeen! Congratulations, Ken! 

KIM: Foul, rematch! 

OLD MAN: Ken, weren't you listening to my change of heart speech? There's not supposed to be a clear winner today. 

KEN: Suck it, Old Man, I'm the champeen. And loser-face over here is still a loser-face. 

KIM: I'm gonna rip your teeth out and glue them to a schnauzer! I'm gonna fracture your leg bones with a collection of decorative plates! I'm gonna steal your identity and give it to a slow kid with braces! 

OLD MAN: That's the way, Kim! Get angry, and don't forget about what to do with yer anger. 

KIM: I'll show you what I'm gonna do with my anger! You ruined me, Old Man! Ruined me! 

She begins chasing him offstage. 

OLD MAN: Now wait; you wouldn't harm a spirit, would you? 

KIM: I've beaten children! And kittens! 

Ken follows them off. 

KEN: Loser-face, loser-face, bow down to the champeen! 

Stage is empty. Pause. 

ANNOUNCER: Oh, I see how it is. The fight is over and so everyone thinks it's time to leave. What about me? What am I supposed to announce now? The chairs are... askew? The table stays still. This is crap- bull-crap! You know what? I'm just gonna leave. I am. I'm leaving. (Pause.) Screw this.

Sound of Announcer walking away. Lights.

End!!!!

OTT: A COMEDY OF ANGER, PART I: THE THRILL OF MYSTERY!

A table center stage, two chairs on either side. At rise exciting music heralds an exciting event. An offstage announcer begins his announcing.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves and your loved ones for the fight of their lives! For tonight, we bring you the 25th Annual Bi-Weekly Semi-Pro Arm Wrestling Champeenship Fight Games! And this year is a spectacularly special one, with sibling rivalry as the theme. For the opponents are not only siblings, they're also rivals as well! In this corner, the number one favorite son loaded gun of an East-Coast champeen, Ken Ott! 

Ken enters with much pizzazz. 

KEN: That's right! I am the champeen! And I will take down any who challenge my champeenship! Any! Especially my loser-face sister. 

ANNOUNCER: Speaking of the loserface, here she is now! Hailing from the same womb which brought you Ken, the bitter, spitting, twisted sister of rage, Kim Ott!

Kim enters with just as much pizzazz. 

KIM: I'd like to set the record straight. I placed second in the Sister Face-Off 2005, that does not make me a loser-face. 

KEN: Loser-cough! Loser-cough! 

KIM: If you want to see a real loser's face, an entire loser body, complete with loser-arms and legs and a loser-digestive system, check this loser out! 

KEN: In your dreams, bozo! Take that! 

KIM: You're the bozo, and I mean Bozo the clown. You couldn't beat me in arm-wrestling with both hands tied behind your back. 

KEN: That was an unfair advantage and you know it. 

KIM: Ha! Remember what the Old Man said about unfairness. 

Behind them appears the Old Man. 

OLD MAN: Nothin' in life is unfair, and if anyone tells ya different, kick 'em in the neck! 

ANNOUNCER: Folks, either this excitement is contagious or my pink-eye is! You can feel the anger between these two radiating throughout the Old Man Memorial Stadium Arena Dome all the way into the parking ramp. The tension is so thick; you could cut it with a knife- a Ginsu knife! 

KEN: Who'd you have to bake cookies for to get into this champeenship, anyway? 

KIM: Your mom! 

KEN: Loser-face, she's your mom, too. Take that! 

KIM: Ooh, I swear to my sweet lord, I'm gonna smush you like a miniature pinscher. I'm so angry, I don't know which way is up and which way's Mecca! 

KEN: Remember what the Old Man said about anger. 

OLD MAN: Use it, but don't lose it. 

KIM: And I plan to use it... on you! 

KEN: Not if I use it first! Take that! 

ANNOUNCER: Folks, the action is heating up faster than a Sasquatch in the desert- the Gobi desert! But before we get to the main event, let's hear what our contenders have to say for themselves- and to each other! 

Ken rises, addresses the audience. 

KEN: Ken Ott, vital stats: 28 years old, Libra, one-eight-seven l-b-s, six-foot something or other, ATM PIN code none of your beeswax. Am I single? Yes. Am I wanted? You bet I am. Am I a hero? If you define hero the way I do, which is aggressive, triumphant, tall, angry, heroic, Libra, 28 year old, then absolutely yes. More importantly, I'm an Ott, which the Old Man defines this way. 

OLD MAN: O: Own yer opponent, liked a swiped library book. T: Take down yer enemies with the eye of the cougar, ears of the falcon, lips of the cobra, and forearms of the cougar. T: Tip exactly 12%, no more, no less. 

Ken sits, Kim rises and addresses the audience. 

KIM: I should dispel the rumors that surround the name Kim Ott. Yes, I once beat a man to the point he could only remember up to the age of five, but the man in question wasn't the president. Yes, I fed a school of piranhas to my ex-husband, but it was more of a brunch than a lunch. And yes, I've competed victoriously in seven continents, but not the seven you're thinking of. As the Old Man used to say, there's three things that make you an Ott. 

OLD MAN: O: Obliterate the opposition until even their dentist don't recognize 'em. T: Transform yer anger into a ball, a wrecking ball or a bowling ball, or one of them ball-shaped bombs with the fuses on top. T: Tie-dyed t-shirts are for hippie wusses and yuppie pusses. 

ANNOUNCER: Okay, we're all sitting on the edges of our seats here at the Stadium Arena Dome. The proprietors apologize and say they expect the rest of the seats to be completed mid-winter. In any event, we are gearing up for one heck of a fight tonight. One hell of a heck of a fight! Our two champeens are chomping at the bit to get started, and that is exactly what we will do- right after this station break! 

OLD MAN: Ken, Ken, get yer keister over here! 

KEN: What are you doing here? I thought you were dead. 

OLD MAN: I am dead, Ken, but you can't keep an Old Man like me down. Remember what I said: If yer gonna die, die fighting, then come back and kick some corporeal ass! 

KEN: You bet I will. 

OLD MAN: That's right, I didn't raise no fool. Now I want ya to look at yer sister. Forget she's yer kin, Ken, she's yer blood enemy today. I want ya to get angry. Real angry! See red, deep, dark red. And then I want ya to take that anger and do what? 

KEN: Use it. 

OLD MAN: What's that? I can't hear ya, boy! 

KEN: Use it! 

OLD MAN: And what aren't ya not gonna do? 

KEN: Lose it! 

OLD MAN: That's right. Make yer Old Man's ghost proud. 

KEN: You bet I will. 

Bell rings, Ken goes back to his corner. 

OLD MAN: Kim! Come lend yer ear to yer Old Man. 

KIM: I knew you'd come see me win. 

OLD MAN: Yeah, well, ya'd better beat that sorry excuse for a sibling yer fighting. 

KIM: You know me. 

OLD MAN: I do, Kim. I know yer of the "fairer sex" but ya fight tough and rumble, rough and tumble. Now I want ya to look at yer brother. Forget he's yer kin, Kim, he's yer blood enemy today. I don't have to tell ya to get angry, or what ya do with that anger. 

KIM: Use it. 

OLD MAN: And I don't even have to ask what ya ain't gonna do with it. 

KIM: Lose it. 

OLD MAN: Yer the spittin' image of yer Old Man, if he had girlie parts. Don't let him down. KIM: You know me. 

Bell rings, Kim goes back to her corner. 

ANNOUNCER: And we're back, folks. The station has fully broken and we're ready now for the match- the big match! A match made in heredity as brother is pitted against sister and only one can walk away a champeen! Are we ready, opponents? 

KEN: You bet I am! 

KIM: You know me! 

ANNOUNCER: All right, then. On your marks- 

Ken and Kim place their arms on the table. 

ANNOUNCER: Get set- 

Ken and Kim grab each other's hands. 

ANNOUNCER: Go! 

Bell rings. The fight begins. Much struggling. 

KEN: You're going down, Kim. All the way, down. Down to the deepest depths of loserdom. 

KIM: Oh, I'm going down, all right. But I'm taking you down first. And I'll be right behind you. 

KEN: Always behind, sis. Always last. 

KIM: No way, Ken. I'm the winner here and you know it. 

KEN: Don't get a swelled head over there. Remember what the Old Man said about swelled heads. 

OLD MAN: A swelled head makes you look foreign. 

KIM: I have to admit, that was a quote I never really got. 

KEN: I'm sure the Old Man's wisdom is lost on a girl, which explains both your girliness and your not getting his advice. Take that! 

KIM: I got it when there was something to get. You're the one who misinterpreted his words all the time. 

KEN: Please, you'd spend all day with your girlie friends, braiding each other's hair and dreaming about which pony you'd marry. 

KIM: Not even close! Besides, you remember what the Old Man said about ponies. 

OLD MAN: Ponies are the turds of stallions. 

Bell rings. 

ANNOUNCER: And it looks like a stalemate at the end of Round One. But it's certainly not for disinterest on the competitor's part. You can see the fury in the eyes of the Otts- the white-hot fury!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? STAY TUNED FOR PART II!