WHAT DOES SUCCESS LOOK LIKE?

-A majestic stallion, stampeding purposefully along a picturesque beach, covered in blue flames.

-An American flag planted square in the center of a Martian skull.

-A naked lady giving a high-five to your junk.

-An elderly nun kissing the heads of starving children, but secretly giving them the finger.

-Two knights jousting, but only one has, like, this uzi and then BAM BAM BAM! Joust over, bitch!

-A surfer jumping out of a plane into a volcano, but skillfully sidestepping the volcano for the nearby island with the tropical drink and comfy chair.

-A mad scientist adding curse words to unsuspecting people's DNA.

-A bitter old man finding love for the first time in fifty years, and he goes to meet her on the bridge, and when he thinks he hears her voice, he turns around and it's this guy he cut off in traffic and the only thing he sees is the guy's fist before it connects with his face and then the guy he cut off in traffic marries the girl he was going to meet on this bridge out of spite.
That's what success looks like.

AN ODE TO A PONY: A PONY ODE: A POEM ABOUT A PONY

O, Pony, My Pony,

You’re such a grand bird.

A face as long as a summer’s grin

And those four long things sticking out of your torso.

I could search far and wide for a creature,

A creature as breath-absconding as you,

O Pony!

But I would never in a trillion dog’s years find one

To even equal one zillion-trillionth of a billion of your majesticness.

And therefore, I won’t even bother.

I have better things to do.

O, Pony, what sadness is locked behind your eyes?

Seriously, what is it? You have a field and hay and shit,

What else could you need? I’m not a man made of money!

Forgivings, my Pony, I take it all back like Grandma’s Christmas presents.

Pony, in a certain light,

You look as though you are glowing from within.

And if I squint, you look blurry and blob-esque.

Sometimes I mistake you for a regular horse by accident.

My shame envelops me like

A sock envelops a foot.

Snugly.

My every thought is of you; my every breath stinks like you do.

Durst you think upon me, Pony?

Huh? Durst you?

Sometimes I feel as though you aren’t even listening to me.

Especially when you turn away and spontaneously poop.

I can’t take you anywhere.

And it hurts my soul, like if

My soul had fingers which were slammed

In a car door or my soul had an arm

And it like slept on it wrong.

The pain is palpable, like a glass of orange juice.

But Pony, I cannot quit you.

Your elusive whatever is just so,

Dot dot dot. You know?

It drives me up the wall,

Whenst I proceed to dance upon the ceiling.

Gasping for air,

Grasping for hair,

Wasping for bear,

Flossing for Cher. It’s all relative.

Pony, here’s the deal.

Your hair is soft, your scent

Mysterious. You have a tail.

The world rotates, the skeleton grins

A cherry pit rictus in the sea

Of the universe of the world and

Blah blah Pony blah blah blah blah.

You have a frightening innocence, Pony,

Like an Anne Geddes photo.

No other of my pets has captured my attraction

As the way that you capturing have thus been captured of it, you.

My sea monkeys, they leave me cold as the water for which they stand.

My ferret, she feels nothing, does nothing, says nothing, is nothing.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you’re Jon Voight, hon.

O Pony, when you run, unfettered

Unconscious, unburdened in a field

It’s as if a choir of angels and demons

And eunuchs and rock and roll superstars

Are running in a field.

I love you two times, Pony.

Love you twice today.

I am like Jim Morrison with 75% more shirt.

Pony, pony, pony, pony, you must answer my pleadings.

Do you like me back as well?

Is my love in vain,

Or is it arterial?

Send me a response, to me.

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty please.

My heart, it pounds for you, tell-talelely.

My blood pressure palpitates, like a glass of orange juice.

My hands shake.

My teeth yellow.

My pajamas footie.

All for you. All for one-

All for love!

Do you get it, Pony?

Do you comprehend with your equine intellect?

You see, life is a lot like, well, like one of you, a Pony.

No, scratch that. Life is like a dolphin,

Punching swimmers and chewing gum,

Like the dolphin do, drunk on power

And tuna fish.

But my love, she is like a tree,

Fully in blossom,

Or the opening credits of the TV show Blossom.

Happy, yet ever changing, and

Accompanied by Ted Wass.

And now I have outpoured myself like a Forty,

And you remain ever stoic. Unfeeling, horsey, even.

And so I cry.

I cry like a baby.

I cry like a big baby girl.

A pretty precious cooing crying big baby girl.

“Whatsa matter? You hungry? You need a change?” I ask myself.

But no answer comes. For I may be precious,

But I am not based on any novel by any author whomsoever.

And so I walk through darkness,

Twixt despair and love,

Sideways. Crab walking, in darkness.

And so we come to the end, Pony.

I must leave of you now.

Don’t try and stop me, for I

Shan’t nary be stopped, nay not nary never now.

Probably nary not, anyhow.

Good-bye, Pony.

Write to me.

Forget about me.

I already have.

I already have.

I already have.

The End

CUBICLE, PART X. EPILOGUE

GARY
Boy, that was fun and exciting!

MARY
And educational. What a package deal!

KENDRA
Thanks, you two. You’ve taught us a lot today.

GARY
About nicknames and fear.

MARY
About fire and basketball.

GARY
About speaking and bleeding.

MARY
And about love.

GARY
We did?

MARY
I did.

GARY
Well, aren’t you little Miss Special?

MARY
I picked up on the subtle subtext.

KENDRA
Okay, you two, that’s enough.

GARY
It’s okay, we fight because we care.


MARY
I wish that were true.

KENDRA
No seriously, get out. You’re hogging the limelight.

GARY & MARY
Okay, bye, bye!

(Gary and Mary exit.)

KENDRA
Well, this concludes Workplace Appropriateness, your corporate training video. Remember the lessons you have learned here, and apply them to your job and your life liberally. Follow your heart and fight for what you believe in. Stand up and turn around, never let them shoot us down. Never! Never! Love your job, but don’t love your job. Keep things in perspective by repeatedly keeping things in perspective. Above all, have confidence in yourself, because somebody has to. And always leave your audience guessing. Thank you all, I have been your host, Kendra. Or have I?

(She laughs heartily, maniacally. Lights fade out. The End!)

CUBICLE, PART IX. THE BIG PRESENTATION

(Amos and Kendra rush to stage right where Butch is just finishing up his Big Presentation. Amy and Chad are seated. Kendra takes one of the two empty seats, Amos stands behind her. Butch is standing by the table, which has a briefcase of props from which he pulls the items referenced below. He is wearing springy eyes and rabbit ears.)

BUTCH
Science. (Brandishes beaker.) Salamander! (Brandishes lizard.) Strangulation! (Strangles lizard until it is dead from it.) Sorrow. (He bows his head, forlorn.) Synergy. (He places the dead lizard in the beaker.) Suggestion? (He ponders the beaker with the lizard corpse.) Salesmanship. (He hands the beaker to Chad, who gives him a dollar, and they shake hands.) Success! (He holds the dollar up for all to see, kissing it.)

AMY
(Rising and applauding.) Inspired! Poetic! Like brain food for the soul.

CHAD
(Rising and applauding.) Ingenious! Mercenary! A wolf in sheep’s clothing, if either animal wore business casual attire.

BUTCH
Thank you, thank you. I’d like to dedicate my Big Presentation to the memory of Newbie, who will be dead soon from cancer of the unemployment. Have fun crashing and burning, loser.

AMY
Now, now, let’s not pass judgment until Amos here fails.

CHAD
You’re up, kid. Try not to suck all the excess awesome out of the room.

KENDRA
You’ll do fine, Amos. Just remember everything I taught you and you can’t go wrong.

(Amos takes Butch’s place.)

AMOS
Madame CEO, Ms. Chad. (To audience.) Population of Japan. I’m just a humble man-

CHAD
Louder!

AMOS
I’m just a humble man, with simple, honest, old American fashioned values. I may not have the whiz-bang thought process or thirst for blood my co-worker has, but I do have my beliefs, which are just as meaningful, if not as apropos. I believe a smile is a frown turned upside down, and a wink is your eye as an anus. I believe there are no shortcuts in life aside from nepotism and the Suez Canal. I believe the world will keep spinning without you, unless you’re the moon. I believe in taking time to stop and smell the roses, giving yourself a time out, and making time to bleed. I believe in sleeping on the sofa all day and eating Nilla Wafers for dinner. I believe we are all special, not just autistic kids. I believe in putting aside our differences and embracing in one big conformity hug! Be fruitful and multiply, not a long division vegetable. Stop looking at people’s colors as a hindrance: Yellow, green, purple, blue, see what it means to you. Only through understanding can we come together, so stop trying other methods, you’re wasting our time. Above all, remember that the opposite of hate isn’t love, it’s cold. Or wait. That’s the opposite of hot. I don’t know what the opposite of hate is. Love? The important thing is to never forget who you are, and heed the words of the Burly Bard, Shakespeare, “To thine own selfish be truant.” Thank you.

(Pause. Amy begins a slow clap, which Chad soon joins, as does Kendra, and reluctantly, Butch.)

AMY
(Rising.) Incredible. Powerful. A symphony of talkage!

CHAD
(Rising.) Astounding. Resounding. It was succinct, but it didn’t suck ink.

BUTCH
Newbie, you’ve bested me. By speaking your mind, you’ve spoken all our minds, like some sort of chatty mind-reader. It’s almost scary, like a PG-13 horror movie.


KENDRA
You did it, Amos Newbie! Way to fulfill your destiny.

AMY
Wait, wait! Let’s not jump to any conclusions just yet. We still have to hear what the Japanese have to say.

CHAD
(To an entity offstage right.) Mr. Japanese CEO, we are honored by your presence and trust your journey to our country was pleasant and uneventful. But more importantly, whadya think?

(The Japanese CEO responds, his voice is the muted trombone of Charlie Brown’s teacher.)

AMY
What’d he say, what’d he say?

CHAD
He said this was the closest Big Presentation contest he’s ever seen, both employees acquitted themselves admirably, but there was ultimately only one clear winner. And that winner’s name…. is… the name… of… Amos Newbie!

ALL
Hooray! Hooray! You won! It’s great! Confetti!

CHAD
He also said that he and his countrymen will purchase Incorpoco for sixty bajillion yen, or nine hundred fazillion American dollars, or one hundred and fifty panda bears!

AMY
This is too god to be true! Now I can retire and fulfill my dream of staging an all-panda bear reenactment of the entire Civil War! The twist is that at the end I will enslave them all.

AMOS
And I can take over as CEO of Incorpoco and fulfill my dream of taking over as CEO of Incorpoco! I shall rule my employees with an iron fist, and they shall build monuments in my likeness and sandwiches in my name. Then I shall eat the sandwiches.

BUTCH
And I can leave this crazy rat race and fulfill my dream of seeing the world, no longer bound by the restrictive time clock or dress code. I’ll go wherever I want whenever I want. And I’ll wear ironic t-shirts so no one will be certain what I’m thinking.

CHAD
And I can return to my home planet Gazleepnick, where I live a quiet life running an
Interstellar Casino and having brief and meaningless flings with bikini space babes. But every now and then, I’ll look up to the stars and remember this day, cry one lonely tear and cut one single, solitary fart. Good-bye.

AMOS, BUTCH & AMY
Good-bye! Good-bye! Good-bye!

(They wave to one another and the audience, as they exit. Kendra, Gary and Mary cross to center stage.)

CUBICLE, PART VIII. PUBLIC SPEAKING SAFETYNESS

(Mary and Gary enter and cross to center stage.)

MARY
Why, hello there! It’s time once again for Mary and Gary, the Safetyness Twins! We hope you missed us.

GARY
She hopes. I hope you’re not one of the many Corporate Americans who has a fear of public speaking.

MARY
Did you know that more people have a fear of public speaking than have a fear of spiders?

GARY
More people have a fear of public speaking than live in Duluth, Minnesota.

MARY
More people have a fear of public speaking than saw the 1989 film Second Sight, starring John Larroquette and Bronson Pinchot. These statistics are courtesy of the National Association of Public Fear Phobics, who would have presented it themselves, if not for their crippling fear of presenting.

GARY
But it doesn’t have to be like this. If you follow the Eight Simple Rules of Public Speaking Safetyness, you can conquer your fear and the office.



MARY
Rule Number One: Try surprising your audience with an unusual speaking style. Remove all punctuation, perhaps. Affecting a strange accent, or ending each sentence with a home-spun colloquialism such as, “Sweet Joey Christmas,” “Jesus Wept,” or “Jammin’ on the One!”

GARY
Rule Number Two: As in Knife Safetyness, it helps to give your audience a nickname, such as That Crowd, Baby Swipes, or Stabby Jeff. Give them a common back story, like they’ve all survived a plane crash, or they’re all conspiring to murder you.

MARY
Rule Number Three: Don’t be self-conscious, but seriously, speak up! And tuck in your shirt, you look like a slob. This isn’t a Third Grade Recital, this is the Big Leagues, The Show, The Shmoopy, The Parent’s Table, The Adult GI Joes! And stop being self-conscious!

GARY
Rule Number Four: Imagine everyone in the audience in their underwear. Now you can feel confident that no one is paying attention to what you’re saying, as they will be transfixed by your enormous erection.

MARY
Rule Number Five: Open with a joke, especially a knock-knock joke, as it involves the audience. However, if your audience consists of homeless people, avoid the knock-knock joke, as it just reminds them they’re homeless. Just get them drunk.

GARY
Rule Number Six: If you feel as if you’re going to faint, make sure your knees aren’t locked. Do five or six deep-knee bends to get the circulation going. It can also help to put your head betwixt your knees, or betwixt the knees of the nearest audience member. Take deep, noisy, phlegmatic inhalations and exhale profoundly, swooning as if the Pope has given you his Promise Ring. Most importantly, do not stop speaking while doing this. Most people will think it’s part of the presentation, and the rest won’t be paying attention anyway.

MARY
Rule Number Seven: Be succinct, don’t suck ink. I’m not sure what that means yet, but it seems wise.

GARY
And finally, Rule Number Eight: Remember that public speaking is nothing to fear. Your peers will have already judged you before you open your mouth, and nothing you say or do is going to change their opinion. So have fun! Or just get drunk.

MARY
Don’t mind if I do!

GARY
I do.


MARY
God damn it, you’re so judgmental!

(Mary storms off, Gary follows her.)

GARY
I judge because I care, sister!

KENDRA
How do you feel now, Amos Newbie?

AMOS
I am One Hundred Percent Cured! I am One Hundred Percent Psyched! I am One Hundred Percent Ready to Rock This Big Presentation!

KENDRA
Great, I’m so glad you’re not nervous. But you are ten minutes late.

AMOS
Sweet Joey Christmas!

KENDRA
Hey, that’s a good start!

CUBICLE, PART VII. CORPORATE SPIRIT GUIDE

(Mary and Gary exit stage-right where Amos and Butch are being lectured by Chad while Amy looks on. Chad has a briefcase from which he removes the props.)

CHAD
In order to succeed in this competition, you need brass balls. (He removes brass balls from his briefcase.) You get me? You also need springy eyes (He removes and puts on springy eyes.) And you need rabbit ears! (Does the same.) And you need a carrot nose. Sorry I ate the carrot on the way here.

BUTCH
I’ve got all those things in spades. I’m gonna rock this Big Presentation, and knock the Japanese’s socks off! Especially because they won’t be wearing shoes.

AMOS
I don’t understand how the rabbit ears are supposed to help, unless we’re providing Easter eggs.

CHAD
You think is supposed to be funny? You think this is a joke? You think you got what takes, kid? I can tell just by looking at you that you don’t. You’re a loser, a waste of space. You’re like tonic water without the eighty-proof gin, a stray dog without the rabies, a decorative plate without the certificate of authenticity.

AMY
Amos?!? Is this true? Because I can’t have that. No way, no how, no way! If we go down, I go down and I am taking you down with me, so tell me straight up, are you in it to win it?

AMOS
Trust me, I have an ace up my sleeve, and a Jack in my pants. I can win this thing, for you and for me and for everyone everywhere.

BUTCH
Don’t listen to him Madame CEO, he lies through his teeth, and when he cries.

AMY
You guys better understand how important this is. Chad here brought a chart to show you how much money this merger will bring to the company. Let’s show them.

(Amy and Chad remove a paper, which they unfold like a banner by walking away from one another. The banner reads, “Lots and Lots of $$$!!”!.)

CHAD
And these numbers are ninety-nine percent accurate.

BUTCH
Great Caesar’s Snowpants!

AMY
Now to shock you, we also calculated how much we could stand to lose if the merger fails.

(Chad removes a piece of paper with a minus sign in front of the, “Lots and Lots of $$$!!!”.)

BUTCH
It boggles the mind.

AMOS
Yahtzees it, even!

AMY
Boys, we can all agree these numbers Jenga the mind. And we’re counting on you. We’re counting on you to Connect Four our minds with your Big Presentations.

BUTCH
You can count on me, Madame CEO. I could win this competition right now with my eyes closed and my hair styled.

AMY
It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s Mr. Newbie here. Are you all set, Amos?

AMOS
Well, I have a basic outline of a germ of an idea…

CHAD
We should be thankful we have Butch here, who will surely be the winner of The Big Presentation. Maybe we should call the competition right here and now for Butch, and cut the dead weight while our metaphorical knives are figuratively sharp.


AMOS
No, don’t! I’ll show you, I swear it! I work best under pressure. I gave up smoking cold turkey, and cigarettes. Besides, with your expectations so low, I’m certain to exceed them no matter what I do.

CHAD
Ha! That’s almost as rich as I am.

AMY
You better pray for a miracle, Amos, or a natural disaster.

BUTCH
I’ve got my eye on you, Newbie. One false move and I’ll snare you like a drum! A bass drum!

(They all exit. Amos looks upward.)

AMOS
God, Vishnu, Ghost Dad, whoever’s listening… I’m not a very religious person, the only time I prayed it was for a decent cup of coffee, a prayer which was answered, by the way, but this is even more important. I need to ace this Big Presentation. I need to eviscerate Butch off the face of the payroll. So I’m looking for some guidance here. I need a sign or a message, a leaflet or something. Please help me, God. I’ll be your best friend.

(Kendra enters.)

KENDRA
Amos? Amos Newbie?

AMOS
Who’s asking?

KENDRA
It is I, Kendra, Corporate Spirit Guide.

AMOS
Hey, I remember you, from Workplace Appropriateness.

KENDRA
That’s correct!

AMOS
But, what are you doing here?

KENDRA
I’m here to assist you, Amos Newbie. To guide you along your spiritual path up the Corporate Ladder. I heard your call for help, in your thin, reedy voice. I’m here to make sure your Big Presentation is a complete success, for it is your destiny to succeed in this endeavor. But I have already revealed too much.

AMOS
My destiny to succeed? Do I eventually become CEO?

KENDRA
Yes, but I have already revealed too much.

AMOS
Do I become rich and powerful beyond my wildest dreams?

KENDRA
Yes, but I have already revealed too much.

AMOS
What kind of car will I drive?

KENDRA
An El Camino, but I have already revealed too much.


AMOS
How do you know so much about me?

KENDRA
I’m a Spirit Guide, we’re like the Wikipedia of the Netherworld. But we must act fast, we haven’t much time. The Big Presentations are in two days.

AMOS
Two days! I’ll never be ready in time. Then my destiny won’t be fulfilled, causing a flux in the time-space continuum altering the fate of all mankind and thrusting us all closer and closer to apocalypse. Just like my last job!

KENDRA
Don’t worry, Amos Newbie. I can’t let that happen, not on my watch. Or else it’ll be curtains for me, and I don’t mean drapes!

AMOS
Everyone keeps saying that, is it a thing I’m not hip to?

KENDRA
Perhaps not now, but you will be, Newbie. You will be. Newbie. Now, come on!

(Kendra drags Amos stage left, as fast and upbeat training music begins. In pantomime, she takes him through a strict training regimen, including jumping jacks, sit-ups, running in place, hand gestures, writing notes, referring to notes and gazing at the audience, shadowboxing, clicking on a slideshow clicker, and taking questions from the audience. When training is done, music stops.)


KENDRA
Not bad, not bad. You’re beginning to get the hang of it. And just in time, too. The Big Presentation is in forty-five minutes.

AMOS
I can’t do it. I can’t do it, Kendra. I’m too scared. I have a fear of public speaking. What if I get up there and they all laugh at me, or I forget everything I was going to say, or there are bees?

KENDRA
Calm down, Amos Newbie. You’re going to be just fine.

AMOS
No I won’t! I’m going to get up there and my mind will go blank and I’ll pass out and die and no one will love me!

KENDRA
Don’t worry, most of those things won’t happen. Don’t you remember my training video?

CUBICLE, PART VI. FIRE SAFETYNESS

(Kendra exits as Mary and Gary cross to center.)

GARY
Hello again, it’s Gary and Mary, the Safetyness Twins! Yay! Don’t be scared, we’re only here to talk about man’s red flower. No, not a tomato rose, I’m talking about fire.

MARY
“Safety first, then women, and, time permitting, children,” is the Official Motto of all Firemen. And they should know, they have the most dangerous job in the universe.

GARY
The known universe. Yes, fire is no laughing matter, unless you immolate a clown or ventriloquist. But you wouldn’t be doing that at work.

MARY
No, but you may encounter a fire, or God forbid, a fire drill while at work. That’s why we’re here to share with you the Five Simple Rules of Fire Safetyness. Pay attention, or the next life you lose just might be your own.

GARY
Rule Number One: Don’t panic. If you panic, you’ll just wet your pants and become more flammable and then die in the most painful and horrific way possible, not to mention the embarrassment over wetting your pants. So chill out, dawg, ‘kay?

MARY
Rule Number Two: Seriously, don’t panic. That fire is just as afraid of you as you are of her. It’s one of Mother Nature’s most perplexing paradoxes, like flying fish, jumbo shrimp and reverse racism.

GARY
Rule Number Three: When exiting an enflamed structure, form single line and exit in a calm, orderly fashion. No pushing, no shoving, no calling shotgun, no cutting in line. Only tornado drills are every man for himself.

MARY
Rule Number Four: If a fire breaks out during a basketball game, find shelter immediately and the team with the most points wins by default. If the score is tied, continue playing until the end of the quarter, or until enough players pass out from smoke inhalation. If you are the Harlem Globetrotters, you automatically win regardless of the score.

GARY
And finally, Rule Number Five: If you find yourself aflame, remember to drop, roll and stop, but not necessarily in that order. Dousing yourself with water might help, but a more useful tactic might be to reason with the fire. Ask probing questions, such as why have you chosen to burn me, and was your mother unkind? Above all, try not to think of fire as your enemy, but your friend, and an improver of marshmallows. Only you can strengthen the human-flame relations, and together we can learn to embrace fire and focus on the real threat to humanity, monster trucks.

MARY
Yes, together we can rise up and defeat the monster trucks. Perhaps by setting them on fire like a clown or a ventriloquist.

GARY
Exactly. And now you know all there is to know about Fire Safetyness. Thank you! Go away!